


Of Smokes and Ashes

by calcipoet



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: A Very Soft Yoo Kihyun, Gen, Is this even considered light angst?, Light Angst, Platonic Relationships, What Have I Done, im so sorry, im sorry, lapslock, like really soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 06:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9372476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calcipoet/pseuds/calcipoet
Summary: it was the only escape he knows, the comfort it provides with each drag albeit temporary was all that he needed.alternatively: i am bad at summaries.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe my first fic for this fandom is kiho.  
> this was written at 2AM and was supposed to be a 500 words drabble.  
> i don't know what happen when i started writing tbh, this just happened.  
> twritten on my phone hence the lapslock.
> 
> not beta'ed and english is my second language, any errors on spelling, grammars, and punctuations are my fault.  
> might edit here and there if i have the time.

the night was slow in their residence. they were informed that they were free of schedules for the next two days, a short holiday from the company as their manager said it. the members were scattered all over the dorm, minhyuk and jooheon were spotted lying on their stomach in the living room screaming at the television playing FIFA, the score indicated that the rapper is leading and minhyuk refused to get beaten by the younger. their maknae who was sleeping on the couch, can be seen screaming along with his two hyungs after being awoken by the constant yelling. their leader were helping, or bugging depending how you see it, kihyun in the kitchen to make some food for him and the other seeing it's nearing dinner time. hyungwon, as always, was sleeping soundly in his room, saying that he needed his beauty sleep, as per his actual words.   
  
upon finishing his small business in the kitchen, the resident mom of the group went to the living room and joined in with the crowds. his eyes scanned the room, checking his surrounding while doing a mental roll call on who were present and he noticed a certain someone missing from their group. a certain someone who would be occupying his chair in the small desk while composing songs or messing up with mixing programs on his computer.   
  
"where's hoseokkie hyung?" he blurted out his question.   
  
to which was met with a we-don't-know, both from minhyuk and jooheon, a shrugged from hyunwoo, and a small "i think he said he needed to unwind" from changkyun. the youngest response calmed a small unsettling feeling in his gut. maybe he went to the gym, kihyun thought, it's what the older always does when he needed to unwind.    
  
the clock struck 11PM and there was no sign of the second oldest to show up, and kihyun was growing restless. he couldn't shake the unsettling feeling he'd had since he noticed the absence.   
  
"did he tell you where he was going?", his voice trembles a little, worries started to fill his mind as it's nearing midnight, the fact that he was well aware that the gym near their dorm should be closed by now did not help to sate the unsettling feeling in his gut.    
  
"he did but i missed the detail as i was falling asleep", his maknae answered, his voice waver at the realization, "do we need to inform our manager?", he continued as his casted his eyes to hyunwoo, who seemed to be aware of the many what ifs scenario kihyun had played in his head.   
  
"let's wait for another 15 minutes and if he doesn't showed up, we will call our manager", hyunwoo voice filled the room. kihyun could physically feel the air changed in the room, anxiety and worries were hanging in the air and it suffocates the pink-haired guy.   
  
"did you notice how his mood when he left?", he asked the general audience in hope for a bit enlightenment. hoseok had been a bit solemn, a bit too much for his liking but he shrugged it off as him being overly sensitive of his hyung's mood and behavior.   
  
"hoseok hyung had been a little bit sombre lately, don't you think?", jooheon chimed in, at this point the roaring had calmed down and was replaced with uneasiness.   
"i tried to ask him if there's anything wrong but he dismissed it and said he had something in mind, something we shouldn't be worried about", minhyuk said, his brows furrowed as if he tried to remember a minute details from a few hours prior.   
  
"he was out of it most of the day, like something was clearly bothering him but he refused to talk to us about it", hyungwon, who was awoken not long ago joined in the conversation.    
"he didn't even finished his lunch, he skipped his vitamins and supplement too, it seemed as if he was on autopilot mode", their leader said after a while.    
  
it had only been five minutes and kihyun couldn't stay still in their dorm, not when hoseok was wandering somewhere in his current state of mind. from what the members were saying, hoseok was more likely than not drown in his own thoughts, questioning his worth as a member of their group, and overthinking hoseok wandering in the street of seoul alone wasn't exactly a great idea.   
  
"im going to search for hoseok hyung in our building, if i don't find him in 10 minutes, we will inform our manager", kihyun said as he walked to the hallway after grabbing his and hoseok's coat, which alarmed kihyun at first but gave away where hoseok might be since he forgone his coat while the weather was freezing.   
  
"informed us when you find him", hyunwoo said while sending kihyun off.   
"will do", was the only thing kihyun said before he bolted off to the elevator.   
  
when the elevator opened, he punched the ground level, wishing his suspicion was right and that he'd find hoseok where he guessed he'd be.   
  
as he got out of their building, he took a left, and went down the road until he passed an intersection, and took another left on the next intersection. from there he went straight until he found a small 24/7 convenient store he used to visit with hoseok during their early days as monsta x.    
  
the convenient store was a one-story building with an open rooftop area. hoseok and kihyun used to visit this store quiet often back in the days, when the days were hard, and they needed a little time alone. sure their building had a rooftop but with hoseok's phobia, it's almost impossible for him to go up that high. this convenient store wasn't that high-up and it's secured with a one-meter high walls, perfectly hiding them from wandering eyes when they sat.   
  
upon entering the store, the uncle recognized him and they exchanged a few words, most of it was just greetings and the nice uncle asking how they were doing.   
"your other friend is upstairs, i couldn't recognize him with his new hair color, he said it was what the company decided but it suits him in a strange way", the uncle said.   
upon the uncle words, relieved flooded his system, he hadn't been wrong. he thanked the uncle for his hospitality, and for not kicking his hyung from his store this late, and head to the staircase. fishing his phone on his pocket, he shoot hyunwoo a text informing his teammates that he had found hoseok and should be back soon.   
  
when he opened the door to the rooftop, he spotted hoseok almost immediately. he was sitting on the left corner of the rooftop, a smoke left his lips, and a package of cigarette laying next to him.    
  
kihyun felt his chest tightened at the sight, this was something they shared in the past. something they decided to quit a long time ago. he made a beeline for where hoseok was seated and made his presence known only when he's close enough.   
  
"i thought we decided to quit", he said while sitting down next to hoseok. he put hoseok's coat on his lap, as his hand were occupied.   
"we did quit, for almost a year", he said before taking another long drag of his cigarette, "but i needed a breather and going to gym wasn't helping", he said as he slowly exhaled white smoke trough his lips.   
  
"what happened? why now?", kihyun said as he took the pack on his hand, feeling the familiar weight once again.   
"everything and nothing happened, i have no idea how to put it to coherent words", hoseok said after a while. a constant white smokes leaving his lips as he kept taking a drag of his cigarette, one long drag after one long drag.   
  
"tell me about it, you know you can always tell me about anything", kihyun replied sounded loud in the dead of night, his voice was steady and sure but still smooth at the same time.   
"i don't know, ki. am i good enough? have i done enough for us? for the team?" hoseok reply was quiet, as if it was only for kihyun to hear, "have i fulfilled my duty as your hyung? or have i messed everything up as i always do?", he continued.   
  
"what makes you think you haven't been doing well?", was kihyun reply, the pack of cigarette still in his hand serving as a steady weight.   
"i've been relying a lot on minhyukkie, our maknaes have been working harder these days, and there's me, just staying in our dorm producing songs that are not good enough for our fans to hear", hoseok finished his sentenced through gritted teeth, frustration and sadness apparent in his voice. his jaw tighten as he try to hold back the tears.   
  
kihyun scooted closer to hoseok, putting down the small package in his hand. he took the cigarette from hoseok and brought it to his lips, taking a slow drag from it, letting the smoke filling his lungs and releasing it as if he's breathing.   
  
"i dont know what makes you think that relying on minhyukkie makes you a bad hyung, just because you are the second oldest, it doesn't mean you need to shoulder the world alone nor it means you can't rely on your teammates", kihyun paused as he take another drag before putting off the cigarette on the sole of his shoes, "you being there in our home is enough for me. you make our dorm a home and that's more than enough. you welcome us from our individual schedule, fixing us small late night meals becuse you know we'd be skipping on our dinners, you are the last to turn in for the night more often than not, if thats not something i have no idea what is", he handed back the pack to hoseok as he laid his head to hoseok's shoulder.   
  
hoseok played with the pack for a while, counting how many cigarettes left and contemplating should he lit another one or should he throw away the remaining. kihyun had his head in hoseok's shoulder, feeling the small movement it made when hoseok was opening the lid of the box. silence surrounded them as both were deep in their own thought.   
  
"next time you feel like this again, please spare me the heart attack and informed me where you are going or talk to me, whichever is fine but disappearing with a vague excuse of needing to unwind is not one of them. kkukkung was so worried the boy almost requested a search party", kihyun said as straightened his posture.    
  
"did he now?", hoseok replied sounds lighter and kihyun could hear the small smile the older had on his face, "i'm sorry", he added at the end.   
  
"we were all worried, you know, and i said this not to make you feel bad, i want you to know we care about you, that you are part of us no matter what, that we are family and we will support each other in any possible mean exists", kihyun finished his short speech as he stood up.   
  
"we should go home, you got five people waiting for you at home", kihyun said as he extended his hand for hoseok to take. hoseok was silent for a while, the pack of cigarette still in his hand.    
  
"thank you," he said as he took kihyun hand, "thank you for reaching out to me".   
"it's the least i could do, now, we should go home before hyunwoo actually called our manager because not one. but two of his members are nowhere to be find", kihyun said as he led hoseok down the stairs, hands still holding the older's.   
  
the journey back home was mostly filled with silence, but the relief was apparent on kihyun's body language. his shoulder no longer tense, his steps lighter, and there's a smile on his face. as for hoseok, his mind was a mess still, but the weight on his chest had decreased, and kihyun's hand holding his served as a reminder that kihyun would be there if hoseok need someone to talk to, someone who would listen to his ramblings, someone who would provide consolation and comfort, and that the comfort they provide would last longer than a pack of cigarette burned one by one.   
  
when they reached home, they were greeted by hyunwoo and a sleepy minhyuk in their living room. hyunwoo's gaze were soft and his body visibly relaxed when hoseok entered the room.    
  
"welcome home", his deep voice greeted the two, a small smile bloomed on his face and if he smelled the remnant of smokes on hoseok and kihyun, he didn't mention anything.    
  
the pack of cigarette from earlier was long forgotten and left at the left corner on the rooftop of that convenient store. it was his way of escaping his mind, but the next time his mind turned to a complicated mess, he knew a better way to unwind and just the right person to company and help him untangle the mess in his head.

**Author's Note:**

> congratulations for finishing this ... piece of rushed writing.  
> comments and critics are very much welcome and appreciated.  
> thank you once again! <3


End file.
